Do Cooking Roles Still Fall Along Gender Lines?

People naturally fall into roles within relationships, whether intentionally or simply out of necessity. In theory, our culture has moved away from traditional gender roles such as the man as the sole breadwinner and the woman as the homemaker. However, women are still much more likely to do most of a family’s cooking.

Local couple Matt and Molly Rhoten set out to do things differently. They started dating in 1997 when both were working for Microsoft and got married in 2000.

“We ate out a lot before we had kids ... mostly we cooked on the weekends, and when we did, we tended to cook more elaborate meals, and we always cooked together,” remembers Molly.

They both grew up in households where Mom did the majority of the cooking. One of four kids, Molly helped her mom get meals on the table. Matt, meanwhile, explains that his mom had a college experience with people lacking the basic skills to take care of themselves.

“She wanted to be sure I was not one of those people, so she taught me some basic cooking, how to do the laundry, and how to clean house.”

The couple’s relationship moved from dating to marriage to children in 2003. They moved out of their urban home in Wallingford into upscale suburban Kirkland. Molly eventually decided to leave her position at Microsoft to stay home with their two boys.

This is when the 50/50 dedication started to waver.

“We tried to fight this,” says Molly. “When I quit Microsoft, it seemed like I ought to take on more of the household duties. The meal planning, cooking and shopping fell more to me. Over time, though, we’ve shifted this back to something closer to 50/50.”

Matt chimes in saying, “What Molly is trying to say here is that she ends up taking care of the time-crunched, repetitive, stressful weekday dinners. I do more of the cooking on the weekends when we can stretch out a little bit, cook more interesting things and have fun with it.”

Though they split breakfasts and lunchbox duty, a majority of the weekday cooking falls to Molly with the exception of Thursday night. Matt works four days a week, with Thursdays off. This is the day when Molly spends the day at her office space leasing company, North Star Offices.

“Having Matt be totally responsible for dinner one night a week is a huge, huge deal,” says Molly. “I love the break where at least one night a week I don’t have to figure out what everyone will eat. I love the break from cooking. I love feeling like I can focus on work late into the afternoon and not have to shift into cooking mode at 5 p.m."

Clearly, the arrangement makes Molly happy. She continues, "I love having someone else come up with new, fresh ideas for meals for us to eat. I love knowing that Matt understands how hard it is to manage the kids and prepare a meal at the same time, so he really gets it when I complain the rest of the week about how hard it is. I love that he knows how frustrating it is to spend an hour cooking a meal and then having to listen to the kids complain about how disgusting it is. It makes us partners in parenting in a way that I really value."

She also wants her kids to have a role model in the kitchen. And not necessarily her.

"I also really, really love my two boys seeing their dad cooking for us, and I hope that they will grow up assuming that as a human being, they are responsible for making sure they and their family get fed, regardless of their gender.”

They agree that each person has their strengths when it comes to cooking, with Molly as the more experienced one and Matt as the more natural one. Matt’s specialty is his roast chicken inspired by the classic "Joy of Cooking" recipe. Molly’s standards include fajitas, salmon, taco soup, chicken sandwiches and pancakes for dinner.

Shopping at the edges of the grocery store is a good way to avoid prepared foods. However, cooking from scratch doesn’t always guarantee good results.

“We tried making chicken nuggets from scratch once,” shares Matt. “I thought they were great; our kids pronounced them terrible and instructed us never, ever to make them again.”

Their system includes weekly menu planning “with a little ‘winging it’ built in.” Menus provide stress relief because it eliminates that last-minute panic of not knowing what to make for dinner.

“I am much happier planning for a full week and doing the shopping all at once,” says Molly.

“It is difficult to come up with good meal ideas without slipping into a rut. Occasionally I will flip through recipe cards, but our recipe collection is very disorganized. I am hopeful there is some silver-bullet website out there that will help me solve the problem of figuring out what to cook,” Matt adds.

In addition to splitting meal preparation duties, they like to include their two boys in the process, claiming that some of their happiest times are when they are all cooking together.

“Kids can learn so much by cooking,” says Molly. “They practice math, hand-eye coordination, science and, of course, they practice their social skills just by chatting with us.”

Even if the roles in your household have remained unchanged for years, it’s never too late to learn how to cook. Matt’s mom cooked all the meals in her house for more than 40 years. When she and her husband reached their 60s, it dawned on her that if something were to happen to her, Matt’s dad might not be able to feed himself.

“She let him know that it was time for him to start cooking dinner a few times a week. In some families, this would have caused a lot of friction ... now Dad treats it like just another of his many hobbies ... he has brought it into the fold of activities at which he wants to excel,” Matt explains.

For the Rhotens, food is about more than just nourishment. “Food was how we connected as a family,” says Molly of her childhood. “When someone has a good day, you celebrate with special food. When someone has a bad day, you commiserate by making their favorites.”

So next time you’re feeling in a cooking rut, don’t be afraid to mix it up a bit. Sharing the duties allows your partner to be creative in the kitchen. Adding kids to the process can be a great way to instill life skills and foster family bonding. Who knows, maybe one of you will discover your secret inner chef?