Family Forum: How to Tackle 'The Talk'

Many of us grew up with parents who spoke to us one time, if at all, about sex. It was known as “the talk,” most parents postponed it until we were in high school, and it was frequently full of warnings, not helpful information.

These days, however, ample resources are available to help moms and dads with one of the most challenging and important tasks of parenting. Here are some tips and strategies from two local experts on how parents can have effective conversations with their kids about their bodies, sexuality and family values.

Start early and use the proper terms

Amy Lang is a Seattle-based sex education expert and parent educator. Her website, Birds and Bees And Kids, is full of tips and resources for parents on the topic of how to talk effectively to kids about sex, love and relationships.

Lang says parents are often uncomfortable talking about such subjects because of the sheer amount of information to cover. She advises parents start early and take things one step at a time.

"The reality is that young kids don't know about sex—they are innately sexual, of course—but are blank slates when it comes to the facts of life, bodies, babies and sexuality," she said. "They learn about this like they learn about ponies or volcanoes. It's just more information in a world that's chock full of information.”

Lang also says parents should teach kids the proper terms for body parts—doing so can be a key tactic to preventing abuse, she said.

Sexual predators, she says, “look for kids who are clueless about sex and bodies. They want kids to be in the dark because this way, the child doesn't know that it's wrong for an adult to touch these areas of their bodies. Talking about safe or OK touches is very important. Kids need to be empowered by you to say no to uncomfortable touch.”

Once you have discussed bodies and body parts with your children, it's time to lead into conversations about where babies come from, Lang says. She recommends parents start this part of the teaching process around age 5.

"Explaining the basics of baby making, which includes the penis going into the vagina, doesn't ruin them, scare them or somehow cause them to 'lose their innocence,'" she said. "Instead, they see you as a trustworthy resource and someone they can talk to about these issues. You can then build on your 'cred' as they age."

Keep the conversation going

Carole Miller is the chief learning officer at Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest and mother of two grown children. She started her job at Planned Parenthood when her children were 9 and 12 in part because, she says, “I wanted to do this—convey information about sex —better as a parent.”

Best practices among parents when it comes to discussing sexuality with teenagers and pre-teens include talking about the consequences of making certain choices, Miller says.

“We want young people to have all the information,” she said. “You want to share your values with them and expectations. We know when parents engage in ongoing conversations with a child about their hopes and dreams for him or her and family values from an early age—vs. 'one big talk about sex'—it makes a difference.”

Even if your teen or pre-teen acts like he or she doesn't want to hear what you have to say, it's important to keep talking, Miller said. She recalls the astute comment of a peer educator when a mom complained her teenage daughter acted like she didn’t want to hear what the mom had to say. The peer educator responded, “That is her job—to act like she doesn’t want to hear the information, but it is your job to keep talking.”

Miller says it is OK to acknowledge to your child “this is uncomfortable for both of us” if it is. Successful parents use various strategies to help them feel more comfortable, she said, such as having the conversation while in the car, going on a walk, or sending emails with information.

Planned Parenthood also offers workshops where parents can share successful strategies about when and where to have conversations with young people about sex. More information on these workshops is available online.