Creative Parenting: Is it OK to Bend the Rules Now and Then?

I WAS TALKING on the phone with my former roommate, the first of the college crew to have kids. I could hardly hear her and it wasn’t the reception. Screams, squeals and cries of “Mama!” drowned out my dear friend’s voice.

Unbelievably, she continued talking as if she wasn’t in the middle of sheer madness, inserting a “no”  or an “eat this” seamlessly into her side of the conversation. After a while, I realized I had heard everything she’d said for the past few minutes.

“You want to know why he’s been so quiet?” she asked. “I just let him dump an entire bag of pretzels on our bed and now he’s happy as a clam, turning the pretzels into crumbs.”

I was shocked. I know he was noisy, but how could she resort to such a tactic? I had every confidence she was a good mama, but wasn’t that a bad idea?

Now, I too have kids. Now, I think she was (and is) brilliant.

Let’s face it. Life isn’t perfect and neither are we (or, our kids). Despite our best efforts to set boundaries and enforce (and reinforce) them fairly and consistently, sometimes you just need to move forward. And sometimes that path forward requires a little bend in the rules.

We don’t watch too much TV in our house; usually just a show or two in the morning. I must admit that in a pinch, though, I’ve been known to barricade the kids in the family room and treat them to a “Monkey George” marathon. It’s a giant exception to one of our rules. But the kids are safe and contained and I can sit nearby and get some work done or finally catch up on laundry.

Same goes for candy. Ever since my oldest daughter’s first trick-or-treating experience, she has been obsessed with candy. Candy has been the root of perhaps 75 percent of her lifetime tantrums, which, thankfully, have not been too many. For good nutrition, but really for her (and our!) sanity, we now have a strict one-piece-of-candy-a-day rule in our house.

Expectations are clear. Tantrums have ended. BUT – it sets up a very powerful and awfully tempting opportunity for bribery. “Just this once, if you get ready really super fast so we can get to our appointment on time, you can pick an extra piece of candy.” Hey, it works.

Beyond breaking, er- bending, the rules, sometimes success requires selective enforcement.

MY CRAWLER is obsessed with toilets. She sees the rest of us using them and, well, it’s cool and smooth, and the perfect height to pull up on. So, if a bathroom is nearby, you can bet she’s headed for the toilet. It’s awesome.

Well, of course, my vanity is right next to the toilet. So every morning, it’s a logistical nightmare to properly primp while keeping my little shadow from heading to the loo. That is, until I discovered her love for QTips.

Man, QTips will stop her in her little crawling tracks. She loves to open the drawer and find them. To open the box and scatter them. She dumps, plucks and drops, sucking on some and ripping cotton from the heads of others. It’s not the best game for an infant (and certainly not for a QTip). But I’m right there to make sure she doesn’t ingest cotton. And well, what are a few dozen lost QTips if it means I can look and, frankly, feel a little more put together throughout the day?

And then there are the times when you’re not bending the rules or selectively enforcing them. There are times when you just decide to move forward, conventions be damned.

I remember as a new mom reading an article written by a mom who confessed to one of these, shall we say, indiscretions. Her son was sick and threw up all over the carpet. Overwhelmed, she decided to leave the room with her son, knowing that when she returned the dog would have done the bulk of the cleanup.

It may be gross. It may be repulsive, really. But you’ve got to admit, it was also effective delegation. Sometimes, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

Now, let’s be clear. I’m talking about bends and tweaks within the bounds of good parenting. Of course, each of us defines good parenting a little differently, and that’s fine. Child Protective Services and other such organizations also have a thing or two to say about good parenting.

So let’s just say that while good parents need to get a little scrappy now and then, our kids of course need to always stay safe, fed, loved, clothed and otherwise protected. Putting the baby in their crib while you take a shower – OK. Putting kiddo in the crib while you run errands – not OK. (Hear that, friend’s husband who asked if you could leave your kid in a crib while you’re out – just like you do with a dog? Not OK.)

So, scrappy parents of Kirkland, what twists and turns in your normal rules of engagement have you allowed to keep moving forward? Please share your stories of creative good parenting in the comments section below.

In the meantime, I’m going to catch up with my crawler who is currently rearranging the contents of the Tupperware cabinet.