FAMILY TIME: No Mom is an Island

I’M PRETTY independent. All my life, I’ve believed that I could do anything I set my mind to. And within reason, I still do.

But motherhood is a humbling experience and has reminded me more than once that I cannot do it alone.

Luckily, most of the time, I don’t have to. My husband is my partner and we work together to take care of our house and kids. However, more and more, our teamwork strategy is “divide and conquer.”

He works long hours, so often, the bulk of the parenting and household responsibility falls on me. This is by design. We made a conscious decision that I would work from home part-time during this period of our life so I could take the lead on the domestic front.

At the time, the independent “I can do it” voice in my head envisioned whipping the house into shape while entertaining the wee ones with enriching – if not educational – daytrips and creative projects. I would learn to bake, plant a vegetable garden and cook healthy, delicious meals made of only whole foods. I would sell off all of the excess “things” that clutter our life, organize, clean, play, exercise every day… and build my freelance writing career.

Turns out, any one of those items could have consumed my time. I’ve tended to focus on the taking care of the kids part while chipping away at some of the other goals. Most of the time, though, I’m just trying to keep up. How many minutes each day do I spend picking up toys that my new walker proudly carries about the house, depositing at will as if it’s her job? How much time do I spend washing dishes, loading and unloading the dishwasher, searching for those darned sippy cup plugs that always seem to disappear when I need them? And then there’s the laundry.

Most days, I can do it all. I’ve achieved some semblance of the delicate balance necessary for successful child rearing and domestic function. But those are the good days. More than once, I’ve been reminded that the unexpected can – and will – throw off the balance and then, I really can’t do it all.

Last week, I had one of those moments.

My husband was away on business and my daughter had been sick for a week. I got a call at 9:15 p.m. from the on-call doctor at letting me know that test results had just come in indicating she should begin antibiotics that night. 

The kids were sleeping and I had to get to a 24-hour pharmacy on 85th to get the medicine.

I COULDN'T get this done alone.

I hate to impose on people. But I’ll impose when it comes to the health of my kids. Not wanting to wake anyone – my sick child included – I texted the babysitter. No response. The neighbors were probably asleep. I texted my friend and Kirkland Patch columnist and 15 minutes later, she arrived at my house to sit on my couch while I drove to the pharmacy.

That night, I gave my daughter her first dose of meds and thankfully, by morning, her fever had broken.

Sure, I could have awakened the kids, bundled them into the car and brought them to the pharmacy for a late-night shopping trip. There would have been crying and moaning and interrupted sleep. It wouldn’t have been pretty, but I could have gotten it done.
But to do it right, to let my daughter get the rest she needed while I did the legwork, I needed help. And without family nearby to lean on, I needed help from friends.

We all do. Independence is great, the cornerstone of our culture, really. But just as no man is an island, neither is a parent. Even the most self-sufficient of us need others – even if it’s just for moral support or companionship.

Really, as members of a community in general, and as parents in particular, we have to be interdependent. We must support each other and accept that sometimes, we need support ourselves.

I have to remind myself of that. Thinking over the past year and a half, I feel so grateful for all of the support I’ve received during my bedrest, birth of daughter number two and our subsequent move across the country. Friends cooked us meals, neighbors mowed our lawn, people lent us furniture, fellow moms watched my kids, my parents even moved in with us for two months while my husband moved to Seattle ahead of the rest of us.

I can’t imagine how we would have fared without the kindness of others.

We’ve taken more than we’ve given during this period, but I’m confident and committed to paying it forward in the months and years to come.

I’m proud of my independence. But upon reflection, I realize how enriched my life has been through the act of giving, and by accepting the support of friends, families and even strangers.

I’m glad I can’t do it all, all of the time. And I’m glad you can’t either. Life is so much more rewarding when sometimes, we lean on each other for support.